Feeling reflective

Day 570.

As we approach Christmas and the end of another calendar year, I have been thinking a lot about how my life has changed since my diagnosis.

I feel like there is a curtain between how my life was before my first cardiac event and after. Both from the perspective of how I view things like my job and my family, and also my physical ability.

Support

One of the most important things I have done since my diagnosis was build a support system for myself. Initially I was relying only on my husband for all my support, but to be honest: this really added to his own burden in dealing with my disease. Imagine having to deal with your own emotions as well as your partner's.

I started seeing a psychologist with experience in advising clients with medical issues. Over many months I had some sessions where I could share things that I wasn't sharing with anyone else. It really helped.

I have also made an unexpected friend who goes to the same hospital as me and who also has cardiac sarcoidosis. This has been invaluable to me. We are roughly in the same place in our sarcoidosis journey. To have someone else going through the same kinds of challenges has been great. I hope my friend feels the same way.

Shame

I have been thinking that I acted like an idiot while on Ketamine after my very first VT event. I was making so many jokes and I thought I was hilarious. But was I? I have a feeling I may have been a bit inappropriate.

I for instance remember telling the poor paramedic who was trying to get me safely down the stairs of my home that he could just "drop me", as a joke. That would have been okay, but I told that joke numerous times.

I think I also made some border-line jokes at the hospital.

Gratitude

I keep wondering if I should try and meet with the paramedics who saved me. It took me a while to get through the delusional mindset of thinking that I am fine, and that a ventricular arrhythmia is not that serious. But for the last few months I have slowly formed the opinion that I am very, very lucky to be alive.

I think I will try to meet the paramedics in the new year.

I have also been very thankful for my treatment by the doctors who are looking after me. They have taken my concerns seriously and adjusted my medication to the point that I have a moderately stable year.

Most of all I am thankful that I am feeling so much better than I did this time last year.